Thoughts: A Big Reason NOT to Overwork

Hello, Readers -

This weekend I had two days in a row, almost entirely off.  I did check in on email on Saturday, but in general had enough downtime to unhook. Besides lying around, I put in a few hours working on a photo project.

Let me tell you a little about that.  For years I put every photograph into an album, accumulating 20 albums that took up precious shelf space.  The plan is to pare down to no more than three albums by choosing the best photos, giving some to my ex (I kept the albums when we split), and storing the rest.

The first album is my life from the start of college through age 30.  (All the old family photos, mine through high school, and the odd-sized ones will go into a scrapbook, later).  The second album covers the next eight years. How do you choose between adorable baby photos?

In the third album, I stalled midway through the year 2003. That's the year I graduated from seminary, started my first parish settlement, and my ex bought a digital camera.  I need to get photos from him printed out to add to mine, so that's part of the reason I am stuck.

It's been an interesting project - emotionally tough looking back at the difficult years.   But then again it is great to put things in order.  Memory can be murky.  The years of my first parish settlement, which started in 2003, may be the most challenging murk-wise.  That's mostly why I'm stalled there.

For one thing I was too busy to do much upkeep of the albums.  For another, those years were incredibly stressful.   I went to my first settlement straight from seminary not knowing it was a misconducted church, or even what that meant.  The congregation had not told anyone at the denominational headquarters, so the powers that were did not know or else they would not have let me go.

At the end of my second year I told someone at headquarters what people had been telling me about their history, and he was alarmed.  He informed me I was serving a misconducted church, told me to take incredibly good care of myself, and connected me with a consultant who saved my life.

She is a minister and therapist who specializes in supporting "after pastors" serving churches where there has been misconduct.   If it hadn't been for her and a group of interim ministers, the closest thing I could find to an after-pastors' group, I would likely have left the ministry.

Out of necessity, over the next three years I learned a great deal about misconduct.  One thing I learned is that some pastors who misconduct are indeed sexual predators, as painted in the media.  However, many are people with poor boundaries, and/or boundaries that are broken down by overwork.  Overwork is a risk factor for misconduct and boundary violations.

If you won't stop overworking for your own sake, consider doing it for the sake of your parishioners, your congregation, and every clergy person who follows you.  Clergy misconduct ruins lives.  It destroys trust.  It plays havoc with congregational dynamics for decades.  Those dynamics make it incredibly tough for anyone who serves in the wake of misconduct.  The experts used to say the longest an after-pastor can last is three years.  I managed to last five, with the support of that group, the consultant, and some excellent self care.  The consultant said I should self-care to the point of feeling pampered.  

Lots of massages helped.  Even so, those years are a blur to me.  Sorting through these photos, putting them in order, placing them lovingly in photo albums, will help me remember and reorder my life.  That is a big task, but worthwhile.  It is more than a photo project.  It is life recovery, so it counts as self care, especially if I pace myself and lie around a lot, like I did this past weekend.

Assessment:  A great weekend - busy day today but managed to work out (hurrah).
Appraisal:  Tired - time for bed.

Thoughts: On Letting Go, and Love

Having written that sometimes I overwork to avoid a painful feeling or issue, I had an insight earlier this week, aided by a dream.

In the dream my son and I are visiting friends from my previous church.  We somehow end up at his high school on a day when there is no school.  It may be a graduation day, it has that festive feel.  We wander around, companionable as we usually are.  Then he sees some friends across this field. He hails them and goes to join them, without saying good bye. I stand at the fence watching him go. The sun is setting. End of dream.

I started seminary, newly single, when he was four years old.  This summer he turns 16 and starts driving.  Next fall he enters his junior year and college search.  As close as we have been as single mom and only child, his friends are becoming more important to him. This is natural and normal, healthy and good.  It must happen.

Although I would never hold him back, as he crosses the field and I stand at the fence, I can still feel his three year old hand in mine.  I can still see his thoughtful child face.  It's like part of him is standing there with me - my memories of him.  Things are changing.  I am grieving.  So this week I made some time for tears and letting go.

Meditations led me to see that though I have been the Mom Who Holds On - advocating for him (he has some learning disabilities). I now need to become the Mom Who Lets Go.  I told him about the dream, today, and said some kids and parents manage this transition by fighting a lot.  I said let's do it differently.  I said, "Instead why don't you tell me if I'm holding on too much, and also tell me if I'm letting go too soon."  He said he'd grab me if I did the latter.  He's a great kid.

Today I saw my therapist and my spiritual director.  I'd planned to go dancing but checking in with my heart realized I wanted to come home, have a few precious hours alone until he comes back from visiting his dad.  I sat outside, a weekly ritual of letting go of my work week and entering sabbath time.  I became quiet enough to hear the rheumatic groan of the late winter trees.  A storm is blowing up.  The sky is cloudy, reflecting the lights of the town.  A rosy glow.  There's a poem brewing here.  Tomorrow I will sleep in, make pancakes and sausage for breakfast, lie around.  If the weather is not too bad I'll go to a dance tomorrow night - I like it better.  It's smaller and friendlier.

Though tired today I pushed through and finished my sermon in order to have two work-free days.  My son will be here, but I will have some alone time while he sleeps late, and when he spends time with friends. In Romans 8:24 Paul writes, "who hopes for what can be seen?"  I cannot see from here what the next phase of my life will be, but another revelation this week has been that what I hope for most is love.  All types of love.

Enough for tonight.  I will try to have two screen-free days, spent enjoying time alone and time with my son.  Hoping.

Week one:  Averaging 8-9 hours of sleep each night - somewhat interrupted, at times.   Worked long hours but feel full.  This can be such fulfilling work.  Better nutrition.  Some exercise.  Friend time tomorrow.

Assessment: Lots of work time but decent sleep.  Time to sit and think each morning.  Good week. B+.

Appraisal:  Tired but feeling full.  Looking forward to down time.

A moving day

They weren't this bad, really.

A good day.  Satisfying.  February Fever hit, so I ended up moving furniture in my church office, and re-organizing all my bookshelves. They were bugging me - displaced books - not enough room.  I culled several books I will never read, or at least not again.  I reorganized the rest. Looks good. Tidy.

Moved my desk against the wall and the chairs into the center of the room.  Increasingly, I have been using my office for small confidential meetings - ministry committee, lay pastoral assistants, covenant group leaders.  It looks more open now - more like a meeting space with an office over to the side.

This all probably says something about how my ministry is evolving.  Yesterday during the children's time I responded to questions the kids have been putting in the "Ask the Minister" box in our social hall.  They ask some loaded questions, like "When you were little, did you get along with your siblings?"  True answer, "Sometimes yes, sometimes no."

"Do you prefer G or PG movies?"  "Depends on the movie."

They also asked, "What is your favorite thing about church?"  Easy.  All of them - the kids and the adults.  The people.  A couple of the kids said, "Yes!" and pumped their arms.  Now my office arrangement demonstrates the same thing - that people are important.  I have a bulletin board outside my door where I hang all the art the kids make for me, and pictures of them that their parents send at Christmas time.

Day Four:

• Had eight hours of sleep last night, then as usual I made myself breakfast in bed (hot wholegrain cereal)
• Had a good hour of "sit and think time" before work.
• Worked about 10 hours today.
• Salad and hard boiled eggs for lunch.  Couple pieces of fruit.
• Did grocery shopping on the way home so made burgers for dinner.  Veggies.  Low fat chips. Fruit.  Dark chocolate for cancer prevention.  
• Note to self:  having cookies in the office is not a Good Thing.  Must avoid in future.
• No time to work out but did move furniture and haul books around for hours.  That counts, right?

Self-care - a good day if I add in a bath before bed.  B+

Practices: God Loves Me When I Sing

Every morning I read from two meditation manuals and then journal.  Today this quote from Rabindranath Tagore appeared in one of my manuals - "God respects me when I work, but God loves me when I sing."

Ministers tend to overwork.  If you have that unhealthy tendency, this calling will feed it with the unfair expectation that you work all the time and are available every minute of every day.  You will have to strive against that expectation AND any workaholic tendencies in order not to burn yourself to a crisp.

In my experience, this unfair expectation comes partly from me and partly from the laity.  Clearly, it helps to set more realistic expectations of myself. It would also help me and my successors if I could help my church learn fairer expectations of ministers.  Many of us overwork because of unfair expectations.

Farmers also overwork!

Personal history contributes to my tendency to overwork.  Growing up on a family farm is a great way to learn workaholism.  Most days, from spring through harvest, we had to work every possible daylight hour.  Sometimes overworking repeats or re-enacts history.

Finally, sometimes I overwork to avoid a painful issue, feeling or even (dare I admit it?) intimacy. Overwork can numb pain, grief, and loneliness, but by preventing closeness, it can also create loneliness, pain and grief. 

Letting painful stuff surface, then coping with it (with the help of trained professionals!  See my forthcoming post on pit crews!) has lessened my tendency to workaholism.  Having time for closeness with family, friends, partners (if you're lucky enough to have one) is a better antidote than work.

So putting it all together, overwork-prevention may include

1. creating fairer expectations in one's self and among those you serve
2. breaking the bad habit of overwork
3. addressing painful stuff underlying overworking, with the support of loving people
4. oh, and one not mentioned yet - finding things that bring you fulfilling joy - singing!

Tagore suggests that though God respects us when we work, God loves us when we sing.  What makes your soul sing?  Dancing does it for me.  Gentle Readers, let's try, each day this week, to do one thing that makes our souls sing.  You with me?

Day 3:  9.5 hours of sleep last night (no nap)
10 hours of work
Fairly good nutrition.  Not enough time to exercise, again.  Boo.
Watched Ghostbusters 2 with my kid.  Yay.

Assessment: better on the sleep - but still in the B range in terms of self care
Appraisal -  dark circles under the eyes are waning, but this rebound is going to take some time.

Day Two - Shutting off Overdrive

During periods of extreme overwork - consecutive weeks of more than 55 hours and little down time - I sort of kick into overdrive.  Maybe I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, if there is such a thing as "a little" OCD.

It's like I can't turn it off, the minister thing.  I wake up several times a night thinking about work - things I need to do or the sermon for the next week or the one I preached the last week, or what have you....

I  have learned how to get back to sleep when that happens but it still stinks waking up thinking about work. Some tricks:

1. Sleepytime or Tension Tamer tea before bed.  
2. Great homeopathic med "Calms Forte" during really bad patches. 
3. Remembering that "worry is a misuse of imagination," and a waste of energy, besides.  
4. Julian of Norwich's prayer, "All will be well, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."  Repeat until it breaks up and then you're pretty much asleep.

Muir Beach

For me, the only thing that seems to shut off the overdrive is getting away for a couple days.  However, like most clergy, my contract stipulates only one day off per week.  I take that on Friday so whenever Saturday is free I can take two days off in a row. If my son is at his dad's house, I can get away.  Cycle broken.

That set of circumstances won't happen again for two months.

My best friend tells me that some Episcopal dioceses are recommending that priests be given two days off in a row every week.  It could happen, right?  But until then, I need to find another way to shut off overdrive, because sometimes in this line of work you can't avoid those 60 hour weeks.  Crises happen, and you still have to have a sermon on Sunday.  I'm hoping this whole "self care" thing will help.

Day Two:
Slept at least 8 hours last night.  Took 45 minute nap this afternoon.
Worked 9 hours altogether.

• Good breakfast and lunch.
• Ate too many cookies.  Felt deprived.  That triggers sweet cravings.  More on that later.
• Too tired to work out but did watch episodes of "Community" on DVD with my son this afternoon and had laugh therapty.
• Potluck dinner at a congregant's house so who knows about food tonight.

Assessment:  Not the greatest self-care day, a B maybe.

Appraisal:  Tired

Day One - Why self care?

In seminary they kept repeating "self care, self care, self care."  Our professors were trying to drill into us the need to take care of ourselves in order to sustain ourselves in this work and not burn out.  I heard it, but years later it's still sinking in.

If you are an aspiring or practicing clergy person and are dubious about the need for self-care I can only recommend Barbara Brown Taylor's excellent book "Leaving Church."  I read it a few years ago but it is still sinking in.  I do get credit for reading it, though.

Two years ago my spiritual director said, "Tell me about your day off."  I said, "Well, that's the day when I plan menus, buy groceries, do laundry and, if I have the energy, clean my house."  She shook her head and said, "That's not a day off!"  She suggested that I start observing a sabbath day of rest.

Being me, I read books on it first.  Abraham Heschel's is a classic for good reason.  Then I planned it out.  In the days leading up to my sabbath I did all those chores, one or two per day, so they'd all be done when the sun went down on Thursday night (my sabbath eve).

My first sabbath day I took three naps.  Tired?  You think?

Though I get points for having a spiritual director (too few of us do that) and for observing a sabbath (too few of us do that, even though even God does it according to Genesis), I still work too hard and too much.  I usually don't get enough sleep, often fail to eat healthy foods, and regularly find myself too tired and/or busy to exercise.

Confession:  This was my first full day off (complete with required introvert alone time) in three weeks.  That is NOT self care.   I know better than that.

So in order to underline the importance of all this for myself, I decided to start this blog in order to

1. track my own quest to practice good self-care AND 
2. to record what happens when I do what my seminary professors told me to do.  

And yes, I see the irony of working on resting.  Got it.

Day One:

• After a nice night out last night I slept nine hours.  
• Woke and made myself breakfast in bed (awesome self-care practice I highly recommend).  Tea, hot wholegrain cereal.
• Had lunch with my best friend (another good practice -we all need face time with friends).  Spinach salad with goat cheese.  Yum.
• Came home, did some online shopping but didn't buy anything (should do "screen-free" days on days off like awesome colleague does).
• Laid down to take a nap, thinking, "I never nap more than 30 minutes."  Woke up 1.5 hours later.  Felt odd.  Took a bath.
• My son came home with friend - I ordered out for pizza for them as didn't feel like cooking. Another salad for me.  Also fruit.  Glass of red wine (anti-cancer), dark chocolate (ditto), funny movie on tv.

Assessment:  All in all, a good self care day.  No exercise but otherwise good.  A solid B+.
Appraisal:  Feel less exhausted.